It's the rare couple that doesn't run into a few bumps in
the road. If you recognize ahead of time, though, what those relationship
problems might be, you'll have a much better chance of getting past them.
Even though every relationship has its ups and downs,
successful couples have learned how to manage the bumps and keep their love
life going. They hang in there, tackle problems, and learn how to work through
the complex issues of everyday life. Many do this by reading self-help books
and articles, attending seminars, going to counselling, observing other
successful couples, or simply using trial and error.
Relationship Problem: Communication
All relationship problems stem from poor communication. "You
can't communicate while you're checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or
flipping through the sports section, of the newspaper.
Problem-solving strategies:
- Make
an actual appointment with each other. If you live together, put the cell
phones on vibrate, put the kids to bed, and let voicemail pick up your
calls.
- If
you can't "communicate" without raising your voices, go to a public
spot like the library, park, or restaurant where you'd be embarrassed if
anyone saw you screaming.
- Set
up some rules. Try not to interrupt until your partner is through
speaking, or ban phrases such as "You always ..." or "You
never ...."
- Use
body language to show you're listening. Don’t doodle, look at your watch,
or pick at your nails. Nod so the other person knows you're getting the
message, and rephrase if you need to. For instance, say, "What I hear
you saying is that you feel as though you have more chores at home, even
though we're both working." If you're right, the other can confirm.
If what the other person really meant was, "Hey, you're a slob and
you create more work for me by having to pick up after you," he or
she can say so, but in a nicer way.
Relationship Problem: Sex
Even partners who love each other can be a mismatch sexually;
a lack of sexual self-awareness and education worsens these problems. But
having sex is one of the last thing you should give up. "Sex, "brings
us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and
mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy."
Problem-solving strategies:
- Plan,
plan, plan. Fay suggests making an appointment, but not necessarily
at night when everyone is tired. Maybe during the baby's Saturday
afternoon nap or a "before-work quickie." Ask friends or family
to take the kids every other Friday night for a sleepover. "When sex
is on the calendar, it increases your anticipation. Changing things up a
bit can make sex more fun. Why not has sex in the kitchen? Or by the fire?
Or standing up in the hallway?
- Learn
what truly turns you and your partner on by each of you coming up with a
personal "Sexy List,"Swap the lists and use them to create more
scenarios that turn you both on.
- If
your sexual
relationship problems can't be resolved on your own,consulting a
qualified sex therapist to help you both address and resolve your issues.
Relationship Problem: Money
Money problems can start even before the wedding vows are
exchanged. They can stem, for example, from the expenses of courtship or from the
high cost of a wedding. Couples who have money woes take a deep breath and have
a serious conversation about finances.
Problem-solving strategies:
- Be
honest about your current financial situation. If things have gone south,
continuing the same lifestyle is unrealistic.
- Don't
approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside a time that
is convenient and non-threatening for both of you.
- Acknowledge
that one partner may be a saver and one a spender, understand there are
benefits to both, and agree to learn from each other's tendencies.
- Don't
hide income or debt. Bring financial documents, including a recent credit
report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurance policies, debts, and
investments to the table.
- Don't
blame.
- Construct
a joint budget that includes savings.
- Decide
which person will be responsible for paying the monthly bills.
- Allow
each person to have independence by setting aside money to be spent at his
or her discretion.
- Decide
upon short-term and long-term goals. It's OK to have individual goals, but
you should have family goals, too.
- Talk
about caring for your parents as they age and how to appropriately plan
for their financial needs if needed.
Relationship Problem: Struggles Over Home Chores
Most partners work at building a career. So it's important
that chores are spelt out and its division of labour and the other helping out
when needed. When it’s really cumbersome then the services of a nanny or
domestic help can be gotten.
Problem-solving strategies:
- Be
organized and clear about your respective jobs in the home. "Write
all the jobs down and agree on who does what." Be fair so no
resentment builds.
- Be
open to other solutions, she says. If you both hate housework, maybe you
can spring for a cleaning service. If one of you likes housework, the
other partner can do the laundry and the yard. You can be creative and
take preferences into account -- as long as it feels fair to both of you.
Relationship Problem: Not Making Your Relationship a
Priority
If you want to keep your love life going, making your
relationship a focal point should not end when you say "I do."
"Relationships lose their luster. So make yours a priority.
Problem-solving strategies:
- Do
the things you used to do when you were first dating: Show appreciation,
compliment each other, contact each other through the day, and show
interest in each other.
- Plan
date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any
other important event in your life.
- Respect
one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate..." It
lets your partner know that they matter.
Rocky road? Get your love life back on track.
Relationship Problem: Conflict
Occasional conflict is a part of life. But if you and your
partner feel like you're starring in your own nightmare version of the movie Groundhog
Day -- i.e. the same lousy situations keep repeating day after day --
it's time to break free of this toxic routine. When you make the effort, you
can lessen the anger and take a calm look at underlying issues.
Problem-solving strategies:
You and your partner can learn to argue in a more civil,
helpful manner. Make these strategies part of who you are in
this relationship.
- Realize
you are not a victim. It is your choice whether you react and how you
react.
- Be
honest with yourself. When you're in the midst of an argument, are your
comments geared toward resolving the conflict, or are you looking for
payback? If your comments are blaming and hurtful, it's best to take a
deep breath and change your strategy.
- Change
it up. If you continue to respond in the way that's brought you pain and
unhappiness in the past, you can't expect a different result this time.
Just one little shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump right
in to defend yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off
for a few moments. You'll be surprised at how such a small shift in tempo
can change the whole tone of an argument.
- Give
a little; get a lot. Apologize when you're wrong. Sure it's tough, but
just try it and watch something wonderful happen.
"You can't control anyone else's behaviour,"
Silverman says. "The only one in your charge is you."
Relationship Problem: Trust
Trust is a key part of a relationship. Do you see certain
things that cause you not to trust your partner? Or do you have unresolved
issues that prevent you from trusting others?
Problem-solving strategies:
You and your partner can develop trust in each other by
following these tips:
- Be
consistent.
- Be
on time.
- Do
what you say you will do.
- Don't
lie -- not even little white lies to your partner or to others.
- Be
fair, even in an argument.
- Be
sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but don't
discount how your partner is feeling.
- Call
when you say you will.
- Call
to say you'll be home late.
- Carry
your fair share of the workload.
- Don't
overreact when things go wrong.
- Never
say things you can't take back.
- Don't
dig up old wounds.
- Respect
your partner's boundaries.
- Don’t
be jealous.
- Be a
good listener.
Even though there are always going to be problems in a
relationship, you both can do things to minimize marriage problems, if not
avoid them altogether.
Finally, be willing to work on your relationship and to
truly look at what needs to be done. Don't think that things would be better
with someone else. Unless you address problems, the same lack of skills that
get in the way now will still be there and still cause problems no matter what
relationship you're in.
